Pricey Dr. NerdLove:
This is the first time I (she/her) am making an effort to stay pals with my ex (he/him). We’ve been together for 3 years, sharing an condominium for 1.5 years. I ended things 4 months ago and moved out 1 month ago.
Because the breakup, he has requested me multiple occasions in several ways if I might imagine some form of cuddling/sex and I have all the time clearly stated “no”. This was even a source of arguments once we have been nonetheless together as a result of I hadn’t been sleeping with him for some months…
A number of days in the past we spent the primary night together as really simply associates and just the 2 of us and opposite to my fears it went pretty nice! We cooked, talked, listened to music. To me it felt good and pleasant, not too shut or boundary crossing. Two days later he messages me “I guess this still doesn’t change the fact that you don’t want us to be closer? Sure, we had tasty food, a bottle of wine, listened to some cuddle-compatible music…”
My first intuition: Shit, I shouldn’t have accomplished that! I was getting his hopes up with this environment.
On second ideas: Wait, I advised him one million occasions that I don’t need to get physical with him. Do I really should engineer our time in a approach it doesn’t get too cozy or ship any ‘vibes’? Can I solely placed on dying metallic once we’re together so that there gained’t be ‘that type of temper’? Noooooo? Is it just too quickly to be associates like this?
So I messaged him that I really feel like I should state clearly for one last time that I gained’t ever kiss him once more or something and that it stresses me out that I should repeat it.
His reaction (briefly): Cease mind-reading me, I was asking a query! Stop projecting your worries onto me! You don’t understand me anyhow.
Grrrarg. Am I overthinking this? Am I mind-reading him? In a means I shouldn’t? I have a very exhausting time understanding his message another method than “Is there a tiny chance we can fuck now that we drank wine and listened to some mellow music together”? Am I crazy?
Thanks a lot
Navigating Muddy Waters
No, you’re not overthinking this, NMW. Your ex is invested in the concept you’ve modified your mind – or that you will, ultimately – about intercourse with him. He has his desired end result – sex with you – and is working backwards from there. There’s actually nothing you may do this your ex isn’t going to take as a sign. For those who have been consuming Topo Chico and listening to Gorgoroth, he would still discover some option to frame it as your sending him a vibe someway.
This can be a type of Nice Man conduct; he knows what the reply is, but he’s making an attempt not to hear it. He needs the answer to be yes – or no less than “eventually” – so he’ll twist himself into logical pretzels to justify holding on to hope that your resolve is weakening. He’ll take virtually something as proof that perhaps things are finally arising Milhouse. Whether it’s the truth that you drank wine as an alternative of beer or mushy drinks, the music that was enjoying or simply the tone of voice if you stated “no”, he will latch on to something that he can point to to say that you simply’re altering your mind. This manner, he can frame himself as a romantic hero as an alternative of a recurring line-stepper.
The issue is, nicely… you’re refusing to play along together with his fantasy. You’re stubbornly refusing to heed the siren name of his boner and so he’s getting annoyed. Furthermore, he also knows that his place in your life is precarious; as much as he retains stepping over the line, he realizes that if he pushes too exhausting, you’re going to expire of endurance. Since his plans to get you again in mattress are predicated on sustaining this “friendship”, he knows that he needs to hold you from kicking him to the curb. Except you’ve just referred to as him out on his shit. So he does what many, many shitty dudes have finished before: he puts it on you. You’re imagining issues. You’re studying too much into it. You by no means understood him and that’s not what he’s like at all. It’s bullshit; dude is as clear as glass. However we reside in a culture that regularly teaches ladies to not belief their very own instincts or even their own lived experiences and so that you get that nagging feeling behind your thoughts. Is he proper? Are you sending him combined messages?
No. No you aren’t. You’ve been clear about your boundaries and that sex isn’t, ever going to occur. He just doesn’t like the answer.
And right here’s the thing: beneath different circumstances, any person wanting to ensure they weren’t catching a vibe can be affordable. There’s nothing inherently mistaken with an individual double-checking about whether they have been reading things appropriately or not. But those aren’t the circumstances in your case. You’ve been saying “no, nein, nyet, nu-uh” again and again. You might have smacked him upside the top with a clue-by-four with the phrases “NOT INTERESTED” carved into it and he’s chosen to not concentrate.
So because the Clue By Four didn’t work, it’s time for the Chair Leg of Fact as an alternative, and the Chair Leg of Fact is sensible and horrible. This dude goes to maintain pushing at your boundaries as a result of he isn’t all in favour of being advised no. So you’ll want to tell him, for the last time: Not simply no however HELL NO and not only do you not respect his constant pushing and line-stepping but the best way he tries to place that on you as an alternative. And if he’s going to maintain appearing like this, you then’re going to have to ensure he gets the message by choosing the Nuclear Choice and dropping him like 5th period French.
You may give him a final probability in case you actually feel the necessity. But just between you, me and everybody reading this, I am right here from the longer term to inform you: he’s going to tug this shit again. He’s a ordinary linestepper. It’s what he does. And I assume you’ll be much happier in the long term in case you kick him to the curb with the quickness.
So a woman I’ve frolicked with always for the previous 7 months turned me down when I asked her out for a date. I was cool with it and now she appears indignant that I moved on and is making an attempt to make me jealous on social media and displaying up places I go together with other guys. My man and woman pals affirm this seems to be the case.
Why is she appearing like this when she rejected me?
If it makes a distinction, she’s actually shy and introverted
Shot Down In Flames
There are two prospects here, SDIF.
The first is that, as someone who’s shy and introverted, she modified her mind and doesn’t know how one can inform you. So now she’s enjoying these weird video games to try to get you to ask her out again as an alternative of muscling up and using her words like a grown-ass adult.
The other is that just because she didn’t need to date you doesn’t mean that she didn’t like the attention, SDIF. Some individuals get a thrill about understanding that anyone’s received a thing for them, even if they themselves aren’t interested. It’s a boost to the ego to know that someone’s into you and some individuals dig the sense of power it provides them over that individual.
It feels like your good friend is a type of individuals. So whereas she might not have needed so far you, she loved the attention you have been giving her. Once you took “no” for an answer like a gentleman and moved on, it meant that she wasn’t going to have that same hold on you. So she might not want you, she doesn’t need anyone else to have you ever either. So now she needs you to get jealous and start competing for her attention and affection.
Either method, it’s a silly recreation. And once you play stupid games, you win silly prizes. These aren’t the actions of someone with excessive social and emotional intelligence. Even when she is having second ideas about turning you down, these video games are a robust indication that you simply lucked out when she turned you down.
You made the correct selection once you moved on. I recommend you retain on shifting and depart her and her games behind.
What’s up, Doc?
I’m taking an enormous step this spring and shifting in with my boyfriend. After a yr of lengthy distance, we will’t wait and it’s the first time either of us have lived with a big other. But final night time, as I clipped my toenails in bed, I requested myself – am I gross? Being away from him, relishing my privacy, I may need picked up a couple of indecent habits along the best way. And what about the rest of my grownup life? My underwear is historic (I’ve had it since high school). I actually like the style of anchovies. I pop the occasion zit. You get the purpose.
Should I clean up my act? Or anticipate him to embrace my foibles?
(In all probability) Kinda Gross
Not gonna lie, PKG, I cringed a bit of about clipping your toenails in bed. Not the exercise, just the situation; I imply, the thought of these suckers getting caught in the sheets and scratching you as you’re making an attempt to sleep? Geh.
But truthfully, you appear, to be conflating “being gross” with “having a body and existing in physical space”. We’re sacks of tapioca and bacon piloting meat robots, which suggests we’re going to expertise the weirdness that flesh is inheritor to. You’re going to wish to trim your nails. You’ll have ingrown hairs in inconvenient locations that have to be taken care of. You’re going to fart, belch and piss. Until you’re courting somebody who’s underneath the impression that you simply’re an unimaginable simulacra of a human being, biological processes are going to happen. Making an attempt to fake they don’t is just idiotic.
Now in fairness, there was some extent the place ladies have been anticipated to fake that they didn’t fart, sweat or require any maintenance by any means. There are ladies of our grandparents’ era who would rise up hours before their husbands in order that their husbands by no means noticed them without make-up on.
It was absurd then and it’s even more absurd now. A part of dwelling together is the elevated comfort and intimacy with dwelling with someone. Meaning learning to adapt and reside with their picadillos and all the varied ways that our bodies do bizarre shit. And with that elevated consolation comes increased acceptance that goes from “afraid to acknowledge that you use the bathroom on occasion” to “Hey honey, come look at this incredibly fucked up thing.” Because there’s solely so much pretending that you simply don’t have biological features that you can do earlier than you start getting bizarre.
To make certain, there are some issues which are affordable things to ask for. Cleaning one’s hair out of the drain in the bathe, making sure one doesn’t miss the bathroom in the midst of the night time, not leaving snotty tissues on each flat surface… these are all issues that ought to come normal if you’re shacking up with somebody.
However loving anyone and dwelling with them means accepting that they’re meatbags, similar as you. Meaning there’re going to be occasions when considered one of you’ll rip a fart in the bathe that’s so loud, the opposite will hear it in the kitchen. After which they will either fake that they‘ve never had a gastrointestinal system… or you may give them the very best of fives.
The publish Ask Dr. NerdLove: Am I Leading On My Ex? appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.