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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Can This Long Distance Relationship Work?

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Can This Long Distance Relationship Work?

Hey Doc!

I exploit social media lots, which has made me plenty of associates. Our social circles all the time start to intermingle and earlier than you understand it I have pals everywhere in the world. I received into contact with one woman this manner who’s beautiful and into loads of the same issues I’m, and naturally I developed a little bit of a crush. The problem is, though, that she lives abroad. Remarkably, I managed to wake myself up to the concept creating emotions for someone I’ll never see in-person and solely talk with by means of tweets was a terrible concept that would only end badly, and so I put those emotions aside, we stayed online buddies, and the whole lot was all good.

Then at the finish of last yr I used to be on holidays and posting updates and pictures from my journey. She posted a couple of replies to those who have been a bit flirty, but I’m the worst at misinterpreting friendliness for flirting and so I just posted some jokey replies and didn’t assume much of it. However then as we’re speaking she means that my subsequent trip could possibly be to go to her town. It seems she’s truly not too distant from a pal I used to be planning on assembly up with this yr, so I tell her it’s a risk and we’re both excited by the thought.

A short time later she exhibits up in my DMs and we get talking a bit extra usually than just tweeting jokes and brief comments between us and our shared associates. She starts sounding flirty again and I respond a bit reservedly because I’m afraid of simply seeing what I need to see in her messages. However then, and I do not know how we truly acquired onto the topic, but we begin speaking about courting and relationships and she or he mentions that she would completely date me. I reply saying I might happily date her as nicely, and subsequent factor I do know she’s given me her quantity so we will properly chat with one another. Now, I’m fairly assured that that’s an indication of some sort of curiosity.

Fast forward to now, a bit of over a month later. I’m going to be making a trip in a couple of months to visit her and my different good friend I was intending to satisfy up with, and I despatched her some souvenirs from my journey which she beloved. She and I’ve been speaking frequently and have gotten so much nearer, however the conversations haven’t gotten as flirty as they did to start out with – on my finish it’s as a result of I not often have a lot success in the courting department and now that I appear to be onto a superb thing I’m scared of approaching too robust and scaring her off. On her end it might be the same thing, or she might have changed her thoughts, or I’ve misinterpret some playful flirting for one thing more. I’m actually confused how you can work out where I stand together with her, and what to do if I’m standing the place I need to be. If she have been native I’d just chew the bullet and ask her out, and if she turns me down then no huge deal; I’ve been via that earlier than and stayed pals with those women. But with the space being what it is I’m unsure what my next transfer ought to be, and whether or not I ought to be making it before, during or after the upcoming journey. Then if we do hit things off, what’s the easiest way to strategy an extended distance relationship to keep away from it being the fiery catastrophe I’m apprehensive it might be. I’m prepared to put within the work, however first I need to work out if there’s truly one thing to put work into. Do you have got any recommendation?

Thanks so much!

Hopeless Worldwide Romantic

What it’s essential do right now, HIC, is sluggish your roll. So much. You might have jumped a superb six moves forward of the place you truly are. This isn’t simply putting the cart earlier than the horse, there is not any cart to place in entrance of the horse.  Proper now, what you might have is a few flirty speak within the DMs and obscure plans to satisfy up when you’re on vacation. These do not an impending relationship make.

Straight speak right here, HIC: you’re making a mistake that a number of people make once they don’t have a lot in the best way of social or courting expertise. You’re assuming that emotional chemistry is strictly the identical as physical chemistry. The fact that you two spark if you commerce DMs forwards and backwards like a modern day Abelard and Heloise tells you that you simply two are on the same wavelength, however there’s a bodily element to attraction that can’t be denied or circumvented. The truth is that regardless of how enlightened we might claim to be as people, however you could love somebody for his or her mind however you want them for his or her ass.

What works between two individuals in text doesn’t necessarily translate when the 2 of you’re nose to nose. People as a species are designed for nose to nose communication. There are reams of data that we convey within the tone of voice, in our physique language and even in scent and contact that just can’t be conveyed by text. Even regular Skype periods can’t quite convey the bodily aspect of issues if you’re in individual with each other. No amount of FaceTime can equal the gut response you might have once you odor, touch and even kiss somebody for the primary time. You possibly can properly end up in the place of assembly up in individual and realizing that you simply’re not fairly so warm for her type as you thought, or vice versa. Otherwise you may discover that you simply’re sort of into her, however not a lot as you expected to be. Now you’re within the awkward place of asking yourself whether or not you attempt to transfer ahead regardless of being kinda “…enh” about her or choosing to be associates as an alternative.

And that’s before we even tackle the question of whether she’s nonetheless into you. Proper now you’re tying your self into knots making an attempt to determine whether or not or not she’s nonetheless into you and it’s draining the thrill from your upcoming trip. You’ve constructed up this idea that this trip is going to be the beginning of a grand romance; if that doesn’t happen, then that’s going to taint what may otherwise be an awesome journey.

You’ll be able to already see this enjoying out with the best way you’re interacting together with your crush. Whenever you have been just in the second and simply talking together with her like anybody else, you have been doing so  a lot better.  Now that you simply feel like there’re penalties, you’re tensing up and second and third-guessing each single factor you say. It’s draining all the enjoyable playfulness the 2 of you had happening when there have been no stakes.

Among the best issues you can do – in courting normally and on this journey particularly – is be consequence unbiased. When you’re targeted on getting with this one specific individual OR ELSE, you’re going to psych yourself out. You’re going to take a position this one individual with terrible significance and subject yourself to any quantity of hysteria as you attempt to read the tea leaves and tell whether or not she’s into you. But for those who remain consequence unbiased and targeted on just enjoying your self, you remain calm and relaxed. You don’t scrutinize every part you say and she or he does because hey, if it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t work out. The only essential query is whether or not you’re having enjoyable.

So it ought to be with this upcoming journey and any potential relationship together with your crush. Concentrate on just enjoying the journey and the potential of assembly an Web good friend in individual. Every part past that is gravy. Do this and you’ll be in a a lot better position to handle no matter it is that comes your approach.

Good luck.

Hi Doc,

I’m a 23F trying to begin critically courting again after being single ~half a yr. But I don’t understand how (or when!) to inform any future boyfriends that certainly one of my closest buddies is my ex. We broke up on good phrases after 3.5 years, once we completed undergrad. He lives on the other aspect of the world now.

He and I transitioned fairly easily back to being the good associates we have been pre-relationship. We text a great amount and name about twice a month, I’m in his skype d&d campaign, my mom messages him typically. We’ve clear boundaries in that we established early on the place our line of platonic-ness is and the way to not go over it and make issues uncomfortable (like not teasing, regardless that we tease different buddies, in case it comes throughout as flirting). All the things’s been totally nice–we even give one another relationship recommendation.

Although this feels regular to me, particularly as a result of my greatest associates have traditionally been guys, I don’t know tips on how to handle the “ex” a part of my good friend state of affairs with future relationships. I can’t just not speak about him–it might feel weirdly sneaky, and I have too many stories that contain him. But when do I convey it up, and how? Understanding us, our associates thought it was a provided that we might pop proper again into being buddies after we broke up. But I really feel wish to a brand new date it might seem bizarre.

Permanently Platonic

There’s actually not much to elucidate, PP. “How’d you guys meet?” “We dated for a while, it didn’t work out, we realized we were better off as friends”. Growth, carried out. It is perhaps extra difficult (however not a lot) if the two of you have been dwelling collectively or had an incredibly close platonic relationship where you have been fixed bodily presences in each other’s lives which may appear romantic to an outsider. However he’s your greatest good friend, you speak repeatedly and also you’re in the identical D&D campaign. None of that’s going to so much as twitch an eyebrow for anyone who’s cool.

Now any person who’s insecure might have points with this. But they’d doubtless have problems with the very fact you might have “too many” (learn: any) male buddies, never thoughts that your BFF is a guy you used so far. So if someone freaks out over the fact that your greatest good friend is your ex – versus realizing that being on good phrases together with your ex is a good factor – then that’s as robust a sign that they’re not best for you as you’re more likely to find.

Good luck.


I have a problem. I really like this junior in my high school (I’m a sophomore). I share two courses with him. We’ve talked so much over Discord and message one another each on occasion and speak in class, but I don’t know what to do. I’ve had the sensation he likes me too, but in fact there’s no means for me to know whether or not that’s true.

That’s the place the issue lies: I’m at a standstill. I need to be round him and speak to him more but I don’t know for positive whether or not he likes me again and needs to try this too or not. I actually like him and want to start a critical relationship however I don’t know what to do or the place I’m standing here. I feel like he hovers round me typically and needs to talk, however we each don’t know what to say or perhaps he’s shy. And he also holds eye contact longer than typical and typically starts conversations with me. However then at occasions I’ll feel like he’s avoiding me or making an attempt to stay away or perhaps I’m coming off as rude.

Ought to I anticipate him? Should I say one thing? Am I overthinking things? My level is, I need to hold shifting ahead but I don’t know what to do anymore and then I begin considering he doesn’t like me which throws me into a light state of melancholy and it’s at the point where something wants to vary. Do you’ve gotten any advice? I’m just confusing and depressing myself further the longer this goes on.

Thanks so much,
A Confused Individual

There’s an easy approach to find out if he likes you or not: use your phrases. Give up hemming and hawwing and ready for signs, muscle up and just ask him out on a date. He’s either going to say “yes” or he’ll provide the Let’s Simply Be Pals speech. Both means, you’ll get your answer and know for positive as an alternative of all the time questioning “maybe but what about”. And if it’s the case that he’s just not into you that means… properly, it’s a shame but now you’re free to seek out someone else who digs what it’s a must to supply, as an alternative of getting caught in a continuing loop of insecurity and uncertainty.

And as an apart: it’s a good suggestion to get within the habit of being proactive about your curiosity as an alternative of sitting around ready and making an attempt to learn the tea leaves. The extra time you spend making an attempt to gauge somebody’s curiosity – which, let’s be actual, is usually about making an attempt to keep away from rejection – the more durable it gets to truly make a move. You spend so long build up the importance of the query that you find yourself paralyzed, on the prospect that he might reject you. Study to get snug with taking the danger. It signifies that yes, you’ll get rejected (like everybody does), nevertheless it additionally means you’ll shortly study that rejection doesn’t harm greater than you permit it to.

Good luck.



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